SOMETHING ABOUT ME

My childhood was pretty ordinary. Maybe I was just little solitary, but I was a pretty normal kid nevertheless. I was attracted by girls my age, while in puberty and I never looked on younger girls. We were watching ordinary porn pictures (and later, movies) with my peers and I was attracted by adult women as every ordinary guy is. I thought pedophiles were the scum of society and all I knew about them were informations from the media. about molested and raped children. I had no relationships with children and it never came to my mind to enjoy the beauty of a girl. I had some girlfriends and, after some time, I married. I came to know some children from the neighborhood where I moved and our daughter was born as well. As time passed, I came to know that a child's world is not alien to me (I have not forgotten how does it feel to be a child). Thanks to my daughter I discovered strong protection_and_parental feelings in me. I also built some kind of a relationship with the kids from our street. There was one girl among them and I somehow liked her more than the other kids. Unconsciously, I was always looking forward to see her. I had no sexual feelings toward children (or I was unaware of it) back then. After some time, I came across some "lolita" pics on the net and I discovered that a girl's body is stunningly beautiful and that it attracts me pretty much. I still saw no connection between that attraction an my friendship with children, as I was normally sexually attracted to adult women. Moreover, the way girls attracted me was somehow "different" from the way adult women attracted me. I did not identify myself as a pedophile. But I begun to search for an information about pedophilia on the net. I was reading scientific research, pro and anti pedo pages, forums and any material I could find. As time passed, I came to know those people more and more. They were not some mythic monsters (at least most of them). They were normal people. They were PEOPLE. I was beginning to get the entire picture, like pieces of a puzzle getting together. Three years since, I was beginning to realize that I'm probably one of them and I feel it the same way they do. I was thinking about it hard and long and was trying to analyze all my feelings. When the last internal barrier has fallen down, I strongly fell in love with the above mentioned girl. In that day, I fully realized, that indeed I AM really a pedophile. "Normal" men do not fall in love with 10 year olds...

From that day onward I begun a new phase of self-analysis and never-ending internal debates, where I had to solve all the riddles and find answers to all of the questions. Most of all, the moral ones. Also, I had to learn to live with the feeling that people would hate me, had they know I'm a pedophile. The irony is, that according to what people imagine when they hear a word "pedophile", I'm not a pedophile.

I found my true self. I felt like I was finally found something, I was missing for all my life. That was beautiful. But it was terrifying to know that my desires will never be fulfilled. It is a strange feeling to finally find what you miss and finding as well, that you will never have it.

As an interesting point of fact, I had some kind of phases (in the time I struggled with self-realization). When I first accepted who I was, a phase came when I felt I finally belong somewhere. I visited many virtual pedophiles communities on the net, I was "one of them", we understood each other. Even if it seems funny now (even to myself), I was often checking myself whether am I still attracted to children. I was afraid I will cease to be a pedophile if they won't. So, logically, after the final settling of all those disturbed emotions came a time a I didn't feel the need to constantly fantasize about children (even if those fantasies were mostly not of explicit sexual nature). Then came the feeling I'm not a pedophile after all. That I made it up, somehow tricked myself into it...
But it was often enough for some girl to smile at me and I constantly knew I made up nothing..
Today, as years went by, I can say I finally reached some kind of balance. Most of the internal struggles, questions, dilemmas and contradictions are solved, even if it will probably never be finished completely. A giant part of helping me came from people I could talk to eye to eye, without them condemning me. I thank them with uttermost honesty..
I do not meet with children on a regular basis, unfortunately. As I have lot of work in my job now and spend a lot of my free time with my daughter, I mostly feel no urgent deficiency of relationships with children. But I feel very sorry I have no opportunity to work with children, because the abilty to devote myself to them, to play games with them, or simply to talk with them fulfills me and gives me enough energy  to go on for a long time.

Finally, I want to stress that I never (sexually or otherwise) abused or harassed a child. I do not feel to be deranged, not responsible for my actions or anything similar. I recognize myself as an adult responsible person with the wisdom of an adult, but the soul of a child. Even if there is already some layer of adult pragmatism and hard-boiledness on my soul.